status:


updates:

mar. 4th, '24 — removed dream journal and tech page due to inactive use. considering remodeling the site again for more simplicity.

feb. 11, '24 — finally wrote something for my writing page [gasp]. updated music obsession.

feb. 10, '24 — new art added to the digital art page. new journal entries. created the dream journal page.

feb. 9, '24 — new journal entry. created the 'tech' page, which i may or may not keep up.

feb. 7, '24 — new journal entry. updated writing page.

feb. 5, '24 — new journal entry. updated the art page and astrology page.

feb. 3, '24 — added a disclaimer for the bookshelf page and credit for the lace borders cuz i forgot.

feb. 2, '24 — bookshelf page created. new astrology entry. updated current music obsession. small tweaks on other pages.

jan. 28, '24 — new journal entry.

jan. 27, '24 — updated the shrine page, which is still a WIP. new journal entry.

jan. 26, '24 — created the astrology page.

jan. 25, '24 — updated the music page and the about page.

jan. 24, '24 — added a music page that got a bit verbose. 🗿 i ain't taking it down tho. oh, and new journal entry, fixed the 'before you enter' page, and added mobile adaptability.

jan. 22, '24 — version 2.0 launched. super happy for what i did, took the whole weekend to build it.

thank you to Simon @ Solaria for the lace borders and tutorial.

current music obsession

last edited: february 4th, 2024

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My 2024 Solar Return

[Published January 9th, 2024. Unedited.]

I will be turning 23 years old this year.

This is a 12th house profection year. Even as I'm writing this three months in advance — December 31st, 2023 to be exact — I am already perceiving the energy in my own life of what the 12th house represents in astrology and taking the steps necessary to hopefully have the smoothest possible year ahead.

Despite it being just a song, blink-182's What's My Age Again? wasn't off when they said, "No one likes you when you're 23." It's used as a helpful invocation in certain sections of the astrological community because of how it seems to correlate to the general experiences people have at age 23 when they eventually go through their 12th house profection year. Some people may have an easier time than others due to the circumstances in their own natal chart, in addition to the solar return chart and general day-to-day transits, but in general, going through a 12th house profection year is objectively harder than other house profections.

The 12th house is the house of Bad Spirit. The planet Saturn rules it. The 12th house is about isolation and withdrawal. It's where things end and die, which is why it's correlated with old age. Either wisdom or the limiting beliefs you hold onto. There is also a spiritual aspect to the 12th house that can either be transcendental or miserable. It is introspection and self-reflection. It's about confronting issues that may or may not be aware to the conscious mind. It is karma and breaking cycles. Sometimes it's about getting stuck in those cycles. Sometimes you never break those cycles anyway.

The reason why I take this 12th house profection year so seriously is that I've personally experienced what kinds of hardships Saturn has to offer. My 9th house profection year, when I turned 20 years old, was extremely difficult due to my mental deterioration and how it impacted other parts of my life, like academics and the ability to travel, which are 9th house topic things. Natally, Saturn falls in my 9th house, indicating that school, respecting and receiving respect from authority figures, and freedom to physically explore my surroundings and thus my worldview has never been something that was handed easily to me. This is despite being a fast learner, despite being told I have so much potential because of how smart I am, despite being able to travel long distances yet feeling too isolated and homesick to even enjoy anything at the moment. Turning 20 activated 9th house topics, and activated Saturn. Saturn is not the most challenging planet in my chart (Mars is, actually) but Saturn was a wake-up call to adulthood, to what I valued, to what needed to change. Saturn is a harsh teacher. But it wasn't all bad. My 9th house profection year was the year that I got fully invested in astrology, which I used as a tool for introspection alongside philosophy which are also 9th house topics. The 9th house is higher learning, in all sense of the word.

Taking that into account, I'm going into my 12th house year with an open mind and an accepting embrace. Partially because I am a believer in the idea that rejecting the universe's teachings will be more detrimental than if you were to accept it for what it is/will be and working as best as you can with what you can. In simpler terms, you can’t run away from your problems.

Taking a look at my Solar Return chart alone, it also has a major focus on the 12th house. The chart has an Aries Rising with a 12th house Pisces stellium, including Neptune. Saturn and Venus will be loosely conjunct and they will be forming sextiles to Uranus and Jupiter, respectively, in Taurus. These sextiles, particularly the one between Venus and Jupiter, are the strongest aspects of this chart.

In comparison to the Lunar Eclipse that's also happening on my birthday, I'm more concerned over Jupiter and Uranus loosely conjunct in Taurus, as it falls in my Solar Return chart's 2nd house. I wonder if I’ll have any breakthroughs regarding money, day-to-day spending, or perhaps a new job to take on. I consider myself very stingy with money compared to most people, but I’m certainly not as fearful as other people. Financial insecurity is one of the only things that truly stresses me out. I’m not a frivolous spender. I seldom ever spoil myself, and I use things (clothes and electronics mostly) until they’re unusable or irreparable. (Libra rules my natal 2nd house, and I have a natal Venus retrograde in Aries. If that isn’t a blatantly obvious indication as to how fearful I am about money, IDK what is.)

I don’t like to be so stressed out about money. Sometimes I wish I could let go and allow myself to enjoy my money and life a little more. In my Solar Return chart, Taurus rules the 2nd house, and Venus, the ruler of Taurus and Libra, is in Pisces, which it does well in. I think, despite the instability of Jupiter and Uranus, (which can indicate growth and acceptance but becomes problematic when it leans into blind faith and hedonism,) Venus being decently placed in Pisces with no hard aspects made to it either shows some support. Saturn loosely conjunct Venus may show some trouble — perhaps more restriction around fun or money, something I either impose upon myself or something that is externally imposed upon me. However, I’ve been told that in ancient astrology, any aspect made by/to the benefics (Venus and Jupiter) is always positive. And, given that Saturn is auspiciously placed, with no hard aspects being made to it either, I think Saturn shows some much-needed support and guidance for Venus topics despite the presence of Neptune and Mars also being in Pisces.

Neptune and Mars, while they don’t form any aspects to any planets in this Solar Return chart, are still present. I think they’ll play more of a background role for the most part. Mars worries me the most since Mars transits in general tend to not be the greatest. For example, my 10th House profection year, when I was 21 years old, had the presence of Mars transiting in it, including it going retrograde at the end of the year. At 21 years old, it was my first time in the job market and exploring career options. However that just derailed me more than anything. The focus on what I wanted to do and what I should prioritize career/job-wise wasn’t clear, and it was the first time I ever had to deal with major criticism, rejection, and scrutiny from coworkers and customers. I still have some lingering pain regarding what I had to experience. Needless to say, it became very clear to me that service workers deserve the utmost respect, and that teamwork is not for me. I fundamentally need flexibility, mental stimulation, creativity, and isolation to work effectively.

On a more interesting note, my Solar Return chart also has Mercury in Aries, close to the Ascendant. I think this is a generally positive sign regarding my interest in writing growing a significant amount, especially with the North Node there in Aries, too, considering the Lunar Eclipse. 2023 was the year I picked up writing again. I used to write a lot as a pre-teen/young-teenager since I was highly invested in fandom and expressed myself through writing fan fiction. But one thing led to another and I found myself more drawn toward visual art like painting, and writing was forgotten about. Then, I suddenly had this drive again where I wanted to, almost needed to, write, and I began exploring my characters again, exploring fandom again, rediscovering my love for linguistics and the awful ConLangs I created back in 2019-2020. My Solar Return chart for my 22nd year (which is still ongoing as of writing) has a 5th house Aries stellium, which included the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter. The 5th house is about fun, frivolity, and creativity. It was no surprise to me when I looked back, saw the stellium, and then looked back at how much I had written this year. There was even a moment I considered being an author instead of a visual artist simply because of how easy I found it to be compared to painting. Painting and drawing as a way higher reward effect on me and my brain, but God, it’s so much mental and physical labour sometimes. I feel like I can never portray what I want in its exact form, the way I see it in my head. Writing, though, feels much more versatile in that aspect.

There’s more I can go into regarding the Solar Return chart and the synastry between it and my natal chart, however I don’t find it as important. It generally looks like my mental health and self-discovery will have some impact or relation with my interpersonal relationships, considering Pisces falls in my natal 7th whole sign house, or vice versa. (I’m a Virgo Rising.) I do think I’ll explore more of my shadow side and/or the occult in 2024 though, since I am a natal 8th house stellium, and considering the eclipses are happening in Aries/Libra, which make up my 8th and 2nd houses, respectively. Lately, I’ve felt a peculiar pull to the occult.

So… The Eclipses.

Eclipses aren’t as rare as people make them out to be. They happen every 6 months or so. Seeing them in person is what’s rare, and not everyone has the luxury of traveling around to world to catch a glimpse of the eclipses. The one happening on my birthday is a Lunar Eclipse in Libra, exactly opposite my natal Sun in Aries at 5 degrees. Being a natal 8th house stellium, on top of living on my Pluto line (this won't mean anything to you unless you know anything about locational astrology AKA astrocartography) I’m used to feeling like I’m always shedding my skin. Feeling content has never been a thing that lasted for very long, if at all, and this lunar eclipse forming such a song aspect to my Sun just shows another intense period of letting go. Even solar eclipses are about letting go to a degree. However, they have the energy to invite something new in afterward. But full moons/lunar eclipses are about cleansing. It’s about that chapter coming to an end, or finally reaching the climax.

I’ve been yearning for change for a while. I yearn for a lot. I yearn for adventure despite telling myself all my life I’m not an extroverted or rebellious person. I yearn for love even though I’ve told myself for so long I can’t feel romantic love — platonic love seeming so much more favourable in many aspects. I’ve let go of a lot of things this year. People I genuinely connected with, who I felt truly saw me in the way I wanted to be seen for the first time, but who also couldn’t stick around for one reason or another. I’ve let go of ideas of myself. I’ve realized things about myself and my character that I need to let go of. Bad habits. Bad thought patterns.

This eclipse so blatantly calls for the death of the ego. I’m not arrogant enough, or stupid enough, to believe I can kill or change my ego with the way I live my life now. I’m a recovering NEET/Hikikomori, just barely beginning to step out into the world again after teenage angst, financial and housing insecurity, the pandemic, and my own self-loathing and self-sabotage ruined my teenage years and early 20’s so far. There are sometimes I miss the height of my Hiki days. There’s a comfort in depression. But it’s not really who I am anymore, as much as I miss that version of me, someone in desperate need of help but rejected it at every turn. No one could help me though, in the end, other than myself. Not really.

My natal sun is decently placed in my chart. It’s exalted in Aries. It’s making no hard aspects to any other planet. It’s loosely conjunct my natal Venus, and loosely sextiling my natal Neptune. The 8th house isn’t great, but I’ve grown accustomed to it. Regardless of it, I’ve gotten some comments about my character and how much it contrasts with who I was before life happened. I was introverted but outgoing and approachable. I loved conversing with people. I still do. I was curious and excelled at everything in both academic and mundane settings compared to most people, especially for my age. Then, one thing leads to another — evictions, bullying, moving around from city to city, state to state, improper homeschooling to severe isolation — and suddenly I’m so behind. I feel so unapproachable and unlikable compared to who I was. I don’t have any drive or ambition anymore and it was so hard to stay motivated and disciplined in anything, even in things I enjoyed like art. I miss those aspects of who I was. The leader type. Someone approachable and easy to make friends with. I’d find a way to get along with anyone, even people most wouldn’t.

Maybe that’s what these eclipses are calling for. A change in my ego instead of a death. A rebirth of that outgoing and playful Aries side of me, instead of the dry and cynical Virgo Rising I’ve embraced for the past few years. I also know I can be pretty abrasive. As much as I know I can try to get along with everyone, that doesn’t mean they’ll fully like me, see me, or understand me in the way I try to do for them. And that’s okay. I can’t deny my sensitivity. I want to be liked and understood. (Maybe this has a large part to do with my Pisces Mercury, my chart ruler. It’s a placement I’ve grown to love, too. In fact, it’s my favourite. But it’s objectively a very difficult placement, probably one of the most difficult ones.) But not everyone will like me, and life will possibly work better in my favour if I stop trying so hard to be liked and respected and being seen by people who either can’t see me for me, or who simply do not want to. That’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be.