August 29 2024
i need to stop venting on the internet + i'm in denial about being trans
i need to utilize my neocities site more instead of venting publicly on the internet. the point of this site, at least partially, is to just dump my thoughts and worries and shit in one place that's a little bit faster than writing it in a diary. i have so many thoughts and emotions sometimes i feel like i'll burst if i don't let it out, but i also like feedback sometimes. but then i forget that "misunderstood" might as well be my fucking middle name considering how many times people seem to not understand me, or misconstrue my words, or don't even want to get to know me. which is fine, not everyone is going to understand me, but god, are there so few people in this world that can actually understand me?
over the weekend i had a bit of a manic/euphoric/self-destrucitve stint because i've recently discovered i'm trans like in the past few months, and i'm having a hard time coming to terms with it. one, for the implications, and two, growing up on the internet being exposed to transmed/truscum content has rotted my brain and i guess i hadn't realized how bad i've internalized these feelings until i discovered this thing about myself, and now i don't feel enough. i presented more masculine irl, though i certainly don't pass considering my voice is so high, i'm barely 5 feet tall, and i just look feminine all around. however, the more i began fully immersing myself in masculinity (despite it already being my default state) i realized how much more comfortable i felt, and how disconnected i am with my body when it's feminine presenting. partially disassociated, and partially greatly uncomfortable, since presenting female feels like a performance or a costume more than it feels authentic.
i have a hard time imagining my future in general, as someone that's sort of floated through life, since most things were out of my control, like moving around, being evicted, and growing up in a household that emotionally negelcted me. i guess i've just grown sort of complacent with the fact that this is what my life is, just a series of events out of my control. so, as a result, i can't picture what i really want most of the times. i know i don't want kids too (i don't like them, and pregnancy absolutely terrifies me), or to get married. they've never been a priority of mine. but i also can't picture what i'd be doing. what i'd look like when i'm old. where i'd be. but the more i try to visualize in my head what i actually want, who i want to be, male seems much more preferable than female.
but when this finally settles in, this realization of "oh shit. i might be fucking transgender" the dread really started to settle in.
my dad is indifferent toward gay people, even more so about trans people. he doesn't really understand it and keeps confusing transgenderism with crossdressing and drag, when those are three completely different things. my mom though, she thinks gay people are mentally ill predators. so i can only imagine what she thinks about trans people though shes never said anything explicitly transphobic.
its funny because both of my parents are pretty liberal. they vote blue, have had gay friends ironically enough, pro-choice, and have never (intentionally) instilled into me any kind of bias or hate or prejudice about any group of people. i think my mom's views have probably changed over time the more she immerses herself into her faith of her religion. my dad is secular. that's the only explaination i can think of.
i say all this to say, this is what i mean by the implications. if i'm transgender, which i'm about 70-80% sure i am, which absolutely terrifies me, there's a good chance if i were to ever come out i'd be cut off and ostracized by my family. i know my mom would take it the hardest. as open minded as she is, like on my views about not having children which she supports thankfully despite her very obvious desire to be a grandparent (i'm an only child btw) i have a feeling she won't be as open minded to my change in gender identiy. she'll probably feel like how a lot of parents do when their kids come out as trans: like their kid has died. i don't want to hurt my mom's feelings. i love my mom so, so much. i don't know what i'd do without her.
and because of this, i'm having a hard time coming to terms with being trans. i don't want to debate whether or not it's a choice to be trans, cuz that's a whole other discussion, but in my mind, it feels like a choice i have to make. either go down this path of self discovery and risk being ostacized from my family, or keep this locked up forever and hope and pray that in my next life i'm born as male, and that i'm here to have a female experience (hear me out i know some people might roll their eyes at the "woo-woo" language but just please extend me some grace.)
i know a lot of trans people personally, some of whom are my closest friends, who can only fully express their gender identy online because of the same fears i have. some even have it worse. persecution, criminalization, even death. so it makes sense that a lot of us will have to temporatily, even perminanately, be our true selves only on the internet and not in the real world. and, logically, i understand this. i can understand this for others. but i can't seem to extend this same mindset for myself. am i really transgender if i can only explore this side of myself online? am i only a real trans person if i go through what most of them have to go through, fight tooth and nail to get out of their unsupportive environments and destroy every relationship they've ever had just to be themselves? why does that have to be a requirement? why is pain and turmoil a prerequisite?
i've considered going on testosterone in the future when i'm out of my parent's house. a low to mid-dose perscription, since i'm scared of big change, and mostly afraid of going bald. i'm only 23 afterall. forgive me for being a bit vain if cis-men are allowed to be and mourn their hairloss too. i think everything else i'd be okay with. the voice drop, bottom growth. i definately want top surgery too. but i'm mostly scared i won't pass. like again, i'm 5 feet tall. i've heard of guys grow a few extra inches while on T, but i'm pushing into my mid-twnties already, and i feel like that train has already left the station. i know there's tons of guys my height or around my height, but really? 5 feet only? i can't even be like 5'3 or something, so that if i wear chunky boots or insole height increasers i can maybe reach 5'6 or 5'7? i'm stuck at a measly 5 feet.
anyway, i've really internalized a lot of these worries. and the brainrot of transmed/truscum content hasn't helped either, since i feel kind of pressured by the rhetoric i've heard to pass like they do, to think like they do, to even feel dysphoric like they do. even though from most of the trans people i've seen online and have talked to, their dysphoria has been mostly a numb, disassociation from their body rather than a deeply painful and traumatic thing like a lot of transmed/trusum people like to say. it's so funny how even in probably the most ostracised community people still find a way to divide one another. as if the world doesn't already hate and misunderstand you. hate and misunderstand us.
i felt this weekend like i needed to try and surpress this. like how can i possibly call myself trans when i can't pass, can't be myself due to my parents? i might as well try to just forget it all, forget myself, and move on with my life, but then it started to feel like i was mourning the death of someone. or mourning yet again one good thing in my life that i have to let go because i can't keep it.
fuck i don't even know how to word this. hopefully u understand, if anyone's reading this.
i just want to be male. i want to be a boy. i want it all, and i dont understand why it's just so hard to ask for. i never asked to be born a girl, and i know neither did anyone else, but fuck, is it really too much to ask for?
i still hope i'm born male in my next life. i hope he has a good life. i hope he'll be able to have it all and live out his dreams and have all the experiences i can only dream of having. and i hope he won't be an asshole. lol. good luck bro.