August 31 2024
venting incoherently
i need to get the fuck off of tiktok, i enjoyed posting my art there but fuck i hate the app so much sometimes and especially the people there, just a bunch of people that think they're so empathetic and kind and down to earth while simutanously bullying and making fun of people, everyone's humor is the exact same and they all talk about the same 5 topics with the same 5 talking point over and over again, like holy shit does anyone else have an original thought ever??? the app also feels so big like its amazing for reach if u can post shit right and make it in a way people want to watch for long, but its so anxiety inducing because of how big it is, its like i've never felt like i've had so many eyes on me until i joined tiktok and started posting my art there and i hate it so much, im not built for social media at all i just want to hide in a hole or in a cabin in the woods or something and never talk to anyone unless i have to, my god i hate people so much sometimes and i don't want to hate people because i want to believe most people are good but tiktok just brings out the worst in everyone and me, it's like a GTA online server cuz everyone is just a fucking asshole! i can't stand people sometimes i need to get away from everyone and everything forever cuz i can't stand anyone anymore so fucking rude for no fucking reason, i feel like im so nice to everyone too and all i do is get walked all over too, im so fucking spineless and never can stand up for myself like i used to and it makes me so fucking angry because i don't want to fight with people but people keep pushing me and pushing me and i hate it.
anyway, i've been listening to an unhealthy amount of Paramore lately. i'm going to the beach next week and i've been half excited, half anxious. excited cuz i like the beach, i love water. it's cathartic to me, it's like returning back to the earth. but i really don't want to be looked at or percieved, especiallya s female. i was already planning on wearing just my t-shirts at the beach since i also gained a lot of weight. not nearly as much as i did the last time i went to the beach, but 5-6 more pounds and i would be. i need to start working out. me and my friends made a separate groupchat to help us lose weight, keep each other accountable. i need to build more muscle to help me look more masc and burn off all this fucking fat. i heard that if you build enough muslce it helps with the healing process of top surgery and makes it look better, almost seamless. if i'm going to get it in the future i want it to be good. i want to finally be comfortable in my own skin. i hate not feeling human or alive. time moves so quickly. i miss being 15.
i often think about wishing going back in time to a more broken, chaotic place in my life more as an observer rather than to rewind and do things differently. i'd want to observe my life in 1st person, feel everything i felt, if it was still as painful as it was when it happened or if time heightened or lessened these emotions.
i hope my friend comes back today to play more video games. we were playing again today, earlier, but he got black out drunk again and passed out.
im so irritated rn. my head is killign me. i should've gone outside today. i miss my dog.