mar. 4th, '24 — removed dream journal and tech page due to inactive use. considering remodeling the site again for more simplicity.

feb. 11, '24 — finally wrote something for my writing page [gasp]. updated music obsession.

feb. 10, '24 — new art added to the digital art page. new journal entries. created the dream journal page.

feb. 9, '24 — new journal entry. created the 'tech' page, which i may or may not keep up.

feb. 7, '24 — new journal entry. updated writing page.

feb. 5, '24 — new journal entry. updated the art page and astrology page.

feb. 3, '24 — added a disclaimer for the bookshelf page and credit for the lace borders cuz i forgot.

feb. 2, '24 — bookshelf page created. new astrology entry. updated current music obsession. small tweaks on other pages.

jan. 28, '24 — new journal entry.

jan. 27, '24 — updated the shrine page, which is still a WIP. new journal entry.

jan. 26, '24 — created the astrology page.

jan. 25, '24 — updated the music page and the about page.

jan. 24, '24 — added a music page that got a bit verbose. 🗿 i ain't taking it down tho. oh, and new journal entry, fixed the 'before you enter' page, and added mobile adaptability.

jan. 22, '24 — version 2.0 launched. super happy for what i did, took the whole weekend to build it.

thank you to Simon @ Solaria for the lace borders and tutorial.

current music obsession

last edited: february 4th, 2024

Go Back

i'm my own worst enemy

january 31st, 2024 @ 8:58 am

currently listening to: goodnight n go by Ariana Grande

A pipe in my bathroom burst in the early hours of the morning yesterday so all day we had maintence in and our of our apartment trying to fix the issue. It's still not fully resolved since aside from the pipe being fixed, the wall they had to saw into is still cut open, and they left the giant machine used to vaccume up the water. It's been sitting in out hallway now for like 15+ hours at this point. I don't mind a little bit of chaos and clutter but it is getting a little bit annoying not being able to move all my shit back to the bathroom. I just managed to clean my room and now it's cluttered again with all my toiletries and the cat litter box.

Anyway, I think I have a semi-normal sleep schedule now. I fell asleep quite early yesterday and didn't get up today until like 5am, then I chilled for an hour on TikTok and talking with my internet friends. We're kinda scattered right now since one friend doesn't use instagram as much anymore because of his toxic boyfriend, and I don't use instagram as much because I fucking hate instagram. It's a love and hate relationship, me and instagram. I don't go into much detail about it though because that can be a whole rant in itself. And I don't care that much.

The only way Instagram fits into this entry right now is because it loosely relates to my worries about my "purpose" or future, and how, as an artist, I want art to be my source of income in an ideal world, but I can't seem to keep up with the demands of social media, and I don't want to. Part of this is fear, because people are so vile online and I hate dealing with conflict, but also because I hate having so many eyes on me and people's growing tendancy to impose impossible expectations on complete strangers on the internet. This happens even in the art community. The art community online is not exempt from toxicity. It's why I hate TikTok, too, even more than Instagram. TikTok it more fun to navigate when you ignore the dumb trends, and it's so much easier to currate to see new info. My TikTok FYP is just memes and science/space news. (Sometimes astrology, but I hate most tiktok "astrologers" because they don't know what they're talking about 9 times outta 10.) However, if you want to make content and suceed on TikTok, you either need to follow every single art trend or make reactionary content (i.e. ragebaiting).

I'm not entitled enough to believe that I am deserving of attention online with my art. I don't think people are "deserving" of most things. Maybe this is me being insecure again, but I really don't want to get a big head and become obsessed with numbers and metrics and followers, and fall into the mentality that I'm in any way entitled to people's time and attention. And, even if there was an objective metric to decide who is desercing of what, I still fall short despite how good I get told my art is. I don't draw or paint as much as I should, and I don't think I'm as creative as other people are. I allow perfectionism and fear to rule my life. I have no clear direction artistically and business-wise. I'm terrible at marketing myself and advocating for myself. And so I resort to this: hiding in my random blog, bitching on the internet about basically how incompetent I am. I constantly tell myself I'm better off this way, hiding away from people and a community, despite wanting a community being what I call my "primordial wound," because I am insecure, afraid of cricism, and being percieved as a whole.

It's kind of ironic, too. Artists are stereotypically supposed to be kind of weird and bold, generally unafraid to express themselves. Yet all I got is the weird part, only bold when I'm provoked, which is not easy to do. I can't express myself at all unless it's written down because of my speech impediment, and even then people will only read what they want to see, not because they actually want to see you.

I think I'm also just frustrated today because of all the tech layoffs happening recently. Microsoft just laid off like 1500 people I think. Then Amazon. Twitch, too. Some of the programmers I follow online were affected or are still waiting to see if they were. The field is highly competitive, and I'm afraid I just don't have what it takes. I expect more out of myself than I think I can deliever. And I know myself well enough to know I can't stick with one thing. I just can't. I need to have multiple things to occupy my time or resonate with, otherwise I feel like a one-trick-pony. I'll feel boring. I already am boring. We're all boring I guess.

Now I'm just beign dramatic. But the sentiment is still there. I can't focus on one thing. I like having multiple hobbies and interests and jobs. It keeps me stimulated.

I'm just fucking worried about the future. Everyone is to an extent. I'm worried I'm fated to be useless. Like this is just who I am in this lifetime, constantly struggling to reach my goals, in a loop.

I'm going to listen to Title Fight, they always make me feel better.