November 28 2024
untitled
tw uhhh self harm
listening to: rose of sharon by title fight (this song might as well have been written about me)
lately life moves slowly, i stop to smell a rose
inhale, press its thorns against my nose
stood in one place
careless change
can't escape, i'm a part of you
engraved in the stone
do you feel it too?
stood in one place
restrained
roses, like me, need rain
try hard not to care
the world won't cease to turn
a name you didn't choose
is left in place of you
can't escape
careless change
my sleep schedule has been awful, suprise suprise. in the 2-3 weeks since i've last updated this site, i've managed to fix my sleeping habits, then ruin it, then fix it again, then ruin it again. to be fair, part of it is no fault of my own. i was sleeping prety good for about a week until one weekend hit and then i kept waking up 3, 4, 5 times a night. i can't stay asleep. i've also gotten over my fear of the dark as i've gotten older but sometimes it sparks up again considering i have paranoid tendencies and it can be triggered by random things, i dont rly wanna get into it. but yeah, my sleep has been not ideal. i thought about taking edibles more often to help but the ones i have is synthetic and it can be awful for my paranoia too if i take too much. i dont really like the outer body experience or derealization i can feel when i get too high. but it helps knock me out and clear my mind. my mind never shuts up, like ever, i have to tell myself out loud to just shut the fuck up sometimes because my mind will not give me a break. delta 9 helps with that sometimes. i love the feeling of bliss but not total mindlessness. its like i can actually focus for one. but the paranoia isnt worth it.
speaking of paranoia, ive been quite antsy today and i dont know why. it feels like something is deeply wrong today and i can't quite put my finger on it. nothing even really happened to my knowledge. its a regular day today, aside from the fact my dad made a big dinner because we kind of celebrate thanksgiving but we also dont. we dont have any family over, and dont make a big deal out of this holiday. for a while it was kind of depressing to get used to after we moved away from out extended family but now its whatever. its not like we were all close anyway.
i think im just kinda sad today overall. i hate november, such a boring, sad, pointless month. at least december has some excitement to it because of new years, and christmas if you celebrate. i dont think im celebrating this year though, but i did last year when i went to see my best friend/boyfriend/situationship. idk what we are anymore, not like it matters anyway.
this is also probably not the best time to make any declarations about anything but im like 80% sure i wont be able to get into the tech field like i want. i know rn its mercury retrograde and as a virgo rising, you would figure i would be used to the flucuation and shit, but its just lately — idk if its burn out or what — i just cant not stand the idea of coding and programming. the pay is so inticing and i do want the financial stability but its so mentally demanding that idk if its for me. idk what the fuck im gonna do in my life anymore. even opening VSCode to write this felt like a chore.
i dont want to do anything. i cant play video games, i cant stand it rn. i cant watch tv. i cant watch youtube. i cant paint, i cant draw, i cant write... the only thing i can seem to do rn is read and study magic and things related to that but it feels so futitle right now.
i think im also upset because my mom is being so hypocritical. growing up with helicopter parents have fucking ruined my life, im so fr. they've been one of the main sources of my stagnation, aside from my own faults because i cant manage my social anxiety and have thin skin. but its so fucking frustrating beign raised by people that are so afraid of you making mistakes and being your own human being, only to then use that against you and start questioning why you arent doing more. how can i do more when all you do is bitch and complain and make me feel guilty for doing so? all my life they've compared to me to other people telling me they are who i shouldn't be, making me fear becoming the people they find to be undesirable or unsuitable to their standards, their stupid, ever fluctuating standards. now i am nothing. i cant move forward, everything is the same. im stuck and im buried here and its all my fault for thinking they knew what was best for me.
anyway i think instead of cutting myself again, im going to go cry for a while instead and try to write, but my writers block is so bad. its easier to read about ancient magic than it is to write a dumb fan fiction rn. i also need to pee like rly bad rn. goodnight internet hopefully tomorrow is better.