October 4 2024

what i do when i'm triggered (gender dysphoria and emotional disregulation)

last night and this morning (i stayed up all night and it's currently 11:22am with no sleep yet) i've been feeling this strange buzzing in my chest and cloudiness in my head when i notice i've been triggered or unsure about something in regards to my reality to the point it's close to leading to a trigger. i'm kinda using this term loosely since i'm not professionally diagnosed with anything, although i have my suspicions on the obvious anxiety, gender dysphoria, a possible personality disorder, but the word triggered is the only word i can use rn for the sake of brevity.

early on last night i think it was dysphoria and imposter syndrome.

one thing i wanted to talk about in my last journal entry, but forgot, was that as i was thinking long and hard about my identity and whether or not i am trans, if i can even call myself trans, and so on, i came across a few articles on medium by a trans woman named Cassie whose words have been me A LOT on this journey of self-discovery and acceptance. this article in particular helped a lot when deeply questioning, and i've read it a few times now to help me decipher my dysphoria vs general body image issues vs anxiety vs depression vs suicidal ideation, and whether or not those things overlap, and if so, how.

i see a few similarities with finding out you're trans to how some autistic people describe finding out they're autistic. in the sense that, once autistic people are diagnosed with autism and allow themselves to unmask for the first time, they start exhibiting even more signs and symptoms of autism than they initially thought. they never realized just how much of their autistic traits they were masking. because of this, it can lead to a lot of doubt and imposter syndrome. like, "am i faking this? is it all in my head? how do i have these symptoms now when i didn't see or display them before?"

gender dysphoria is kind of like that. i think now that i've accepted, more or less, i'm a boy (which still makes me panic a little to admit even over text) i've started to notice more things linked to my dysphoria than i initially thought, like my chest for example. i've said this before in my notes, i've never liked my chest. i've been ambivalent about it at best, and despised it at worst, and although i don't mind exposing it during intimacy (sorry for TMI), i'd much rather have it flat, or smaller at the very least.

for the past year or so i've already been experimenting with the concept of binding by using tight fitting sports bras and baggy shirts, like at the very, very beginning stages of toying with the idea of going by he/him and a new name, but still very adament that i am not transmasc at all. i live in florida though, so sometimes it's not feasable to bind in that kind of heat. even in my own room i have to strip in my underwear just to cool off. also, binding with sports bras kinda hurts when they're too small to begin with, and then you kinda let yourself go for a while and gain 10 pounds. so sometimes it does feel better to go without a bra all together and just wear nothing underneath, but my chest is not nearly that small to get away with going braless outside the house. and if anything, i feel like binding makes me hate my chest even more, because it's already kinda big for my frame, and when i wear tight bras to try and flatten it, i can see all the tissue and fat squish into my ribs and armpits, and it makes me feel like my chest is even bigger than it is. if i go braless, wear the right baggy shirt, and slouch, my torso is hidden, almost cocooned in fabric, and i feel so much better, aside from the sensory issues that follow.

i was experimenting with binding again last night, and felt that same discomfort over how it looked. too much tissue and fat, squished in all the wrong places, and it made me look heavier than i am strangely enough. i took everything off, and felt relief when i looked in the mirror to see that the fat and tissue wasn squished anymore. but then i started to panic a little because i was like, "why the fuck am i relieved to see my chest? i hate my chest don't i? am i faking it? am i not trans?"

then i took a bunch of photos in a tanktop to compare my binded and unbinded chest, sent a few to my fellow FTM best friend with consent (the one that's possibly psychic) and he did comfort me a lot when he showed me his own photos in a binder since he has a much larger chest than i do. he's ambivalant about his chest as well, probably more comfortable with it than i am, though he's known he's trans for much longer than i have so maybe this is just the case of all of this being so new to me that every emotion and discomfort is heightened right now.

i was considering going through the rest of the night until bedtime binding just to get used to it and help me grow more comofortable in my body, but the bras ended up being wayy too tight to the point i think i almost passed out, so i like stripped naked as fast as i possibly could, put on my giant AOT t-shirt, and that's how i've been all night and morning. even right now i'm feeling a bit peeved because i can feel how my chest sags and the way the skin touuches the skin of my upper abdomen and i keep rubbing the skin underneath. it's very annoying and uncomfortable, but i think my chest needs a break from the bras.

another thing that did kind of trigger me was that, i was already in this state of overthinking, and sometimes when people speak to me, either in real life or over text, i have a hard time telling if they're being condecending or if they're just being blunt. when my brain does get suspicious, it sets me off into a spiral and it's the worst. especially after i'm done being angry, even if i haven't done anything to retaliate since i'm non-confrontational, i'm so fr i will not argue with people. i won't even block people that are being blatantly rude toward me most of the time because once i'm done being angry, i enter into another spiral where i'm beating myself up for even thinking they were being rude to me and for overreacting, because maybe it wasn't that deep, or maybe i'm being too sensitive, or maybe they're just having a hard day, or maybe i did deserve it, or maybe etc etc etc. on the rare occasion i do clap back to like a rude comment or a rude stare or anything, i always feel so guilty about it. i hate being walked all over but i don't wanna hurt people yk. it's hard finding a balance.

i had become convinced for like an hour that my best friend, the one i mentioned earlier, hated me and was making fun of me. he was also acting kinda cold but i think he might've just been drinking again or getting high. he was acting weird yesteday, too, since he randomly confessed to me he had "always thought about what we could've been." it kinda shocked me, but he was so drunk that night i just kept telling him to go to sleep. idk. i just found the change in behavior alarming.

i've been trying to get better at regulating my emotions, though it certainly has not been an easy, linear journey. sometimes i'll go weeks with managing them well, with no urges to meltdown or harm myself, and then other days it's like i completely boil over. it happened a few weeks ago where i was overwhelmed by my family being really invalidating about something, being really dismissive and i felt trapped, so i scratched the fuck out of my arms. now i have this nasty scar about 4 inches long along my left tricep. it's kind of embarassing cuz i feel like i do so well at managing, but then one thing tips me over and i feel like im back at square one.

i didn't want that to happen tonight and i can feel another meltdown coming along. i had this idea to rewatch some episodes of a podcast i was obsessed with back in 2021 that really helped me with my mental health issues. 2021 was BAD. like super bad. worst time of my life. i'd relive 2015 again, but not 2021.

this epsisode popped in my head specifically, since it's sorta interactive in the sense that she has a questionaire you can fill out in regards to figuring out who you are, what game you are playing, and how to find and utilize tools to bring you closer to joy.

if you watch a lot of brittany's stuff, you might notice i use a bit of her terminology, like differenciating between happiness and joy, and utilizing meditation and being a bit obsessed with introspection. a lot of my journal entries are used to introspect. i enjoy looking back at my writing and seeing how i change, pinpointing my flaws and issues, and trying to fix it. writing is very cathartic for me because of this. all of this is for me, even if i find it cringe and embarassing. because ultimately, i'm just trying to find out why i'm here, why i shouldn't kill myself, and how i can find peace and purpose while i'm here.

(john vervaeke's the meaning crisis is another thing that helps me, too, for introspection.)

i've filled out the questions in brittany's video 3 times now, despite it being uploaded last summer. i wish i could look back at my other entries just to see what changed, but i wrote it in my journal that i don't have with me. digital mediums win again, i guess. but i thought it'd be cool to share this here on my site as well, because why not. this place is bascially my private journal anyway, and at least i run less of a risk of carpal tunnel.

but anyway, filling this out really helped ground me again, even if i'm still figuring out who i am and what "game" i want to play. here's what i wrote:

Who Am I?

Name: Jamie or [REDACTED BIRTH NAME]

Date: October 4th, 2024

Who Am I?

a. Within The Bubbles: queer. female. transmasculine. FTM. hispanic. artist. gamer.

b. Inside Your Bubble: a brain. a consciousness. energy in a body.
Why Am I?

a. Within The Bubbles: a human being. an animal evolved over time on a planet in space. possibly created by a higher power. who knows.

b. Inside Your Bubble: i don't know. i likely will never know.
What Is Important To Me?

a. Within The Bubbles: my family. friends. significant other. financial security. purpose and meaning.

b. Inside Your Bubble: knowing myself. joy.
What Do I Want?

a. Within The Bubbles: stability. eternally and internally.

b. Inside Your Bubble: peace of mind and stable relationships with others. community. to be seen.
What Do I Need?

a. Within The Bubbles: money. food. water. shelter. family. companionship.

b. Inside Your Bubble: a healthy, stable relationship with myself. confidence in myself. self-esteem. trust in myself. to see myself.