October 7 2024

slight vent + the homeromanteion q&a (homeric oracle)

i'm getting back into the flow of things in terms of programming again, taking the courses i have lined up, and trying to find a way to coexist with my partner since we don't live together. i've been at his place for a little over a month and it's def a lot easier than the first time last december, which is weird since this time around has been more stressful since he's moving. but this is pretty typical of me, not feeling totally comfortable without more exposure. now i don't want to go back home, although there's certainly other factors at play now in regards to my feelings of not wanting to return home.

i do really miss my parents though. another hurricane is set to hit florida later this week and it's really nerve wracking. i'm sure they'll be fine but still. it hasn't even been 2 weeks since hurricane helene, and they did experience some heavy rain and power outages for a moment, but at least my mom could go back to work. with this new hurricane, it's unsure right now. i just hope everyone's safe. and i hope my parents get the fuck out of florida soon.

speaking of me not wanting to return - today's been sort of an emotional day. i didn't have anything major happen, and overall today was a good day. my boyfriend and i went to the pond while it was still empty and he got me some duck food to feed the ducks and the geese. the geese are so mean to the other birds lol they were really beautiful though. they really brightened up my day when i needed it, because i think if i was still stuck in my room like i usually am back home, or in my boyfriend's apartment with nothing to do to clear my head, i probably would've had a meltdown.

my sleep schedule's been wacky, so i was up last night into the early morning. i was talking to my friend, the psychic one, (who i'll just call M for now) and i ended up seeing a video of this trans guy i follow. my god, is he's beautiful. he's around my height, a little taller, but everyone's taller than me so this is expected. dark hair, blue eyes, very lean as he does weight lifting and rock climbing. this particular video though was him shirtless with some binding tape on, and his friends, who i think he lives with, were hyping him up as he was flexing.

i get this feeling in my chest whenever i get like, excited, i guess? it's a particular feeling, like when you see something you really like it's hard to contain your emotions. similar to when i look at my favourite piece of media or when i recieve a compliment that feels really, really fucking good. it's like a surge of excitmenet and desire.

anyway, i got that feeling when i looked at this video. cuz not only is this guy, like, really fucking hot, his life - in so far as being able to transition, socially and/or medically, and look good - is what what i want.

i was in the bathroom when i saw this video. it was like 6 or 7 in the morning, no sleep yet again, and i was talking to my friend. then, i looked up, saw my chest from underneath my t-shirt, and... idk what happened. it was like everything was siphoned out of me, shocked to see my reflection, which was quickly replaced with panic and disgust, maybe? i could only really feel the panic. like something was wrong. deeply, deeply wrong. i didn't want to keep venting to my friends all the time and telling them the same shit they've heard, so i just tried to comfort my friend, M. he was having his own breakdown about aging and not feeling in control of his life, like it's slipping away. which i know all too well.

but anyway, i just kept telling myself, no i can't be dealing with this right now. it's not that serious, and i've never felt this awful after looking at myself, even after i look at someone attractive. like, sure i compare myself sometimes, but it's not really something that weighs heavy on me. i know, for the most part, i'm attractive when i try, and i've never cared about fitting into beauty standards like that, or any standard period. i have my moments sometimes but it's never that serious. but idk, for some reason it really hit me seeing this guy i admire... and then myself.

i don't get physical reactions to anxiety often. it's mostly a mental thing, like racing thoughts, spiraling, ruminating. but when i do feel physical reactions to anxiety, it's a racing heart, deep breathing, narrowing vision, almost like i can't see or focus. i left the bathroom, put on a sweater so i don't have to see my chest in my peripheral, and went back on my computer. it never really went away, the anxiety. it lessened, enough for me to do what i needed to do, like my hair and some React programming, but it was always in the background like a buzzing static.

leaving the house helped a lot. we needed to pick up some boxes for moving, so we went to my boyfriend's grandparent's place. on the way there, that's when we stopped at the duck pond and i had a lot of fun. i texted my parents, telling them about it, and then my mom randomly hit me with a text saying:

"yeahhh, i see being a housewife ain't so bad"

my mom's sense of humor pisses me off. it's always something backhanded or dismissive or a smugness that feels like she's trying to one up me somehow. she knows these kinds of comments have always made me upset. like when my dog died last year in august, we were in the middle of burying him in my grandfather's backyard, it was raining and i was trying not to cry, and my mom out of no where says, "you know it's the woman's job to clean the body before burial, you should do that before we bury him."

LIKE WHAT? i was trying to have a moment, but even during a funeral for a childhood pet i cannot escape the heteronormative, gender role "jokes."

but whatever. i was in my boyfriend's car when i got the text, and it stumped me a little, and it took a second to process that cuz it just felt like, a slight against me i guess?? i don't know, it just pissed me off, especially cuz i've made it known multiple times already i hate these fucking jokes. i don't want to get married or have kids, I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE A WOMAN, yet every time i hear these jokes it feels like my mom is putting a fucking spell on me to manifest a life for me she wants me to live. thats genuinely what it feels like.

oh my god i need to do a protection spell agaisnt this. my mom is cursing me.

i need to research this later.

my boyfriend could kinda see in the car i was upset after i told him about the text, but i really didn't want to talk anymore at all. i was trying not to cry in all honesty. i think after the near panic attack i almost had, on top of all the emotions in general that i've been feeling recently in regards to struggling to accept my transness and worrying about how much of my life is going to crumble and change if i do make the choice to come out or medically transition... i could feel it all kinda bubbling again. but like i said, we were on the road, so it's not like i could stop for 30 minutes to meditate, or take 2 hours to write in my journal. i just had to put up with it.

it was easy to kinda relax though when we got to his grandparent's house to pick up the boxes we needed for moving. i played with their new dog, and she was really hyper. it made me miss my own dog and how playful he used to be before his injuries with age. but even as an old dog when he lost his ability to walk, i still found ways to play with him and keep him entertained. for a while he was in a lot of pain with the arthitis and the nerve damage in his hind legs, all he could do with sit and lie down. i miss him so, so much.

after this, we went to the park. i think this is what i really needed to clear my head. this park was huge, just multiple open fields for soccer practices, then a playground where we went to chill. i went on the swings, which are my favourite, but i got a little motion sick. also, it really pissed me off how much arm strength i've lost. i succuessfully climbed over this rock climbing thing, but i could barely do the monkey bars, and i can't even do a single pull up anymore. i used to be able to do so many pull ups, like way better than most people! now im fuckign weak and frail after years of rotting in my room doing nothing but video games and drawing. i need to lock in i swear i will.

despite this, i still felt really good once we left. the sun felt nice and there was a breeze. by the time we got home, we were pretty sweaty and beat, so we took a shower, i ate some lunch, and then started to get ready for bed.

i was still feeling a bit anxious though due to intrusive thoughts. mostly about something more personal, like mistakes i've made in the past, and also random, almost irrational, worries that i have that i can't seem to work through.

i found out about this site called homeromanteion or the homeric oracle. it's a divinatory tool from i think the greek magical papayri, where you roll 3 dice and ask a question. the line you get is up for interpretation.

i had a hard time interpreting the questions, since i was really drained after the park, and my head felt kinda cloudy because of the anxiety i was feeling all day. it was like there was a blockage that was keeping me from thinking very clearly or rationally, and even as i got better throughout the day, being that triggered still causes some blind spots that can only be cleared with some time. (and some sleep.)

i had chatgpt help me interpret some of the passages for me, though there are some questions i asked that the oracle refused to answer, like things about past lives.

my question: do i have spirit guides?

homeric oracle:

The Odyssey, Book 21, Line 293

οἶνός σε τρώει μελιηδής, ὅς τε καὶ ἄλλους

Honey-sweet wine wounds you, as others

chatgpt: That’s a beautiful and evocative response! The imagery in that line can suggest a duality—something that feels sweet or comforting (like honey-sweet wine) can also bring challenges or pain. This might reflect the idea that while you may have spirit guides or supportive influences, they can also lead you to confront difficult truths or wounds in your life.

In the context of your question, it could imply that your spirit guides may offer guidance and comfort, but they also encourage you to face the struggles and complexities of your journey. It highlights the idea that growth often comes from navigating through difficult emotions and experiences.

☆

my question: do my spirit guides like me?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 22, Line 13

οὐ μέν με κτενέεις, ἐπεὶ οὔ τοι μόρσιμός εἰμι.

You will not kill me; I am not marked for death.

chatgpt: This line from The Iliad suggests resilience and protection. It conveys a sense of being safeguarded or having a purpose, which can imply that your spirit guides are indeed supportive of you. They may be conveying that you are not alone in your journey and that you are meant to continue growing and learning.

The idea that you are "not marked for death" could also signify that your spirit guides are there to help you navigate challenges, indicating their fondness and care for your well-being.

☆

my question: but do they like me? do they like me?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 15, Line 129

οὔατ' ἀκουέμεν ἐστί, νόος δ' ἀπόλωλε καὶ αἰδώς.

You have ears to hear, but your mind and conscience are gone.

chatgpt: This line suggests a disconnect between perception and understanding. It may imply that while your spirit guides are aware of you and your experiences, the challenge lies in truly understanding and accepting their presence or the messages they may be sending.

The idea of having ears to hear but losing one's mind and conscience could reflect feelings of self-doubt or confusion about your worthiness to be liked or supported.

It might encourage you to take time to reconnect with your inner self, to be more receptive to the guidance they offer, and to remind yourself of your inherent value

☆

my question: are my guides people i have met in this life time?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 11, Line 654

δεινὸς ἀνήρ· τάχα κεν καὶ ἀναίτιον αἰτιόῳτο.

Dangerous man. He can quickly turn against the innocent.

chatgpt: This line suggests a potential complexity in your spirit guides. The reference to a "dangerous man" who can quickly turn against the innocent may imply that some guides might come from difficult or challenging experiences in your life, perhaps even those who could have caused harm or confusion.

It might also suggest that the guides are not solely positive influences; they can embody lessons learned from more negative encounters. The experiences you’ve had with such people might be integral to your spiritual growth and understanding.

This perspective can be a reminder that not all guides are meant to be comforting; some may challenge you or provoke reflection on your past interactions.

☆

my question: do you love me?

homeric oracle:

The Odyssey, Book 7, Line 30

ἀλλ' ἴθι σιγῇ τοῖον, ἐγὼ δ' ὁδὸν ἡγεμονεύσω,

But go in silence, I will lead the way

chatgpt: This response carries a sense of quiet guidance or companionship rather than overt affection. It suggests a willingness to support or lead you on your path, emphasizing a more subtle form of love—one that respects your journey and may not always need to be vocalized.

In a way, it reflects a deep bond that doesn’t always express itself through words but is still significant.

☆

my question: why have i done the things ive done?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 1, Line 542

κρυπτάδια φρονέοντα δικαζέμεν· οὐδέ τί πώ μοι

To pass judgement on secret thoughts, and never to me

chatgpt: This response suggests a sense of introspection regarding your past actions and decisions. It reflects the struggle to understand or judge the hidden motives behind your choices, indicating that the reasoning might not be clear or accessible to you at the moment.

It highlights a feeling of being disconnected from the deeper understanding of your actions, possibly hinting at the complexity of human emotions and motivations.

It’s okay to not have all the answers right now. Sometimes, exploring those hidden thoughts can take time and reflection

☆

my question: do i have more than one guide?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 1, Line 524

εἰ δ' ἄγε τοι κεφαλῇ κατανεύσομαι ὄφρα πεποίθῃς·

See, I nod my head so you can trust me.

chatgpt: This response suggests a reassuring presence, indicating that there may indeed be guides or influences in your life that you can trust. It implies that these guides are there to support you, providing a sense of affirmation and encouragement.

The nodding signifies agreement or understanding, suggesting that you might have multiple sources of guidance or support that affirm your journey. It feels like a reminder to trust in those who are there for you, whether they are spiritual guides or people in your life.

☆

at this point i asked how many, and the oracle could not answer.

☆

my question: what are their personalities?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 8, Line 282

βάλλ' οὕτως, αἴ κέν τι φόως Δαναοῖσι γένηαι

Strike so, and become a light for the Danaans

chatgpt: This passage suggests that your spirit guides may possess qualities of strength and guidance. The idea of "becoming a light" implies they might be supportive, illuminating paths for you, especially during challenging times. They could embody traits of resilience and wisdom, helping you navigate your experiences with clarity and purpose.

☆

my question: do you forgive me for what i have done?

homeric oracle:

The Odyssey, Book 18, Line 176

ἠρῶ ἀθανάτοισι γενειήσαντα ἰδέσθαι."

You used to pray to the gods to see him grow a beard.

chatgpt: This response might imply a sense of longing or a desire for connection with the past, possibly suggesting that forgiveness isn't just about the act itself but also about growth and transformation. The idea of praying for someone to "grow a beard" can symbolize maturity, change, or evolution over time. It may reflect a journey toward forgiveness, both from yourself and others, emphasizing that growth can be part of the healing process.

☆

my question: am i on the right path?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 22, Line 185

ἔρξον ὅπῃ δή τοι νόος ἔπλετο, μὴ δ' ἔτ' ἐρώει.

Do whatever you desire, do not hesitate any more.

chatgpt: This response encourages you to trust your instincts and pursue what feels right to you without second-guessing yourself. It suggests that you are on a path that aligns with your desires and that it's important to act on your impulses and aspirations without hesitation.

☆

my question: are you actually my guides that im talking to?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 11, Line 789

καί οἱ σημαίνειν· ὃ δὲ πείσεται εἰς ἀγαθόν περ.

Talk to him. He will be persuaded, for his own good.

chatgpt: This response suggests that there is an openness to communication and that engaging with whoever you’re speaking to—whether that’s your guides or another source of wisdom—can lead to positive outcomes for you. It implies that reaching out and having these conversations is beneficial, potentially guiding you toward understanding and growth.

☆

my question: would i be making a mistake if i transitioned?

homeric oracle:

The Odyssey, Book 12, Line 342

λιμῷ δ' οἴκτιστον θανέειν καὶ πότμον ἐπισπεῖν.

To die of hunger and so meet your end is the most pitiable.

chatgpt: This response suggests that the worst fate is to feel deprived or unfulfilled, akin to dying of hunger. In the context of your question about transitioning, it might imply that not pursuing your authentic self could lead to a sense of emotional or spiritual starvation.

It seems to indicate that transitioning could be a vital step toward fulfilling your needs and desires. It encourages you to consider what truly nourishes you emotionally and spiritually, rather than fearing the potential mistakes of the journey.

☆

my question: am i actually a boy?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 16, Line 282

μηνιθμὸν μὲν ἀπορρῖψαι, φιλότητα δ' ἑλέσθαι·

Threw away anger and embraced love

chatgpt: Your question, “Am I actually a boy?” answered with that line from The Iliad, suggests a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. The line, "Threw away anger and embraced love," could imply that moving away from negativity (like anger or self-doubt) and embracing a more loving, authentic view of yourself may be essential in understanding your identity.

This response seems to encourage you to let go of any frustration or hostility you might feel toward yourself and instead foster a sense of love and acceptance regarding who you are. It suggests that acceptance of your identity may come through love—both for yourself and from those around you.

☆

my question: am i going to detransition in the future?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 5, Line 218

μὴ δ' οὕτως ἀγόρευε· πάρος δ' οὐκ ἔσσεται ἄλλως,

Don’t talk like that. It won’t be otherwise before

chatgpt: The response to your question about detransitioning, "Don’t talk like that. It won’t be otherwise before," seems to convey a sense of reassurance or affirmation about your current path. It suggests that any concerns or fears about a potential detransition might not be rooted in what is currently true for you.

This line could be interpreted as encouragement to remain firm in your identity and decisions, indicating that your feelings and experiences are valid and that it's okay to pursue your transition without dwelling too much on the fear of changing your mind later.

☆

my question: will my parents still love me even if i transition?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 4, Line 62

ἀλλ' ἤτοι μὲν ταῦθ' ὑποείξομεν ἀλλήλοισι,

But let’s yield to each other in this

chatgpt: This seems to suggest that there might be a process of yielding or compromise between you and your parents. It implies that love may remain, but there could be adjustments or an understanding that needs to be reached between you.

☆

my question: would they still want to speak to me?

homeric oracle:

The Odyssey, Book 2, Line 273

οὔ τοι ἔπειθ' ἁλίη ὁδὸς ἔσσεται οὐδ' ἀτέλεστος.

Then your journey will not be wasted or unfulfilled.

chatgpt: This response seems to suggest that your efforts to maintain communication and connection with your parents, even after transitioning, would not be in vain. It implies that the relationship may not be entirely severed and there could still be meaningful exchanges.

☆

my question: will i enjoy how I'll feel on hrt?

homeric oracle:

The Iliad, Book 4, Line 101

εὔχεο δ' Ἀπόλλωνι Λυκηγενέϊ κλυτοτόξῳ

Pray to Lycian-born Apollo, the glorious archer

chatgpt: It sounds like there’s a suggestion here to seek support or clarity, perhaps through introspection or guidance, before starting HRT. Apollo is often associated with healing, prophecy, and clarity, so maybe this is indicating that you will find clarity in time and come to enjoy the process once you are more certain.