October 11 2024
my tummy hurts
listening to: Movements - Daylily (Live in Manila)
i made the mistake of getting a milkshake at dairy queen knowing im lactose intolerant, and im currently paying the price. bro my abdomen hurts so fucking bad like its insane but we will persevere nonetheless or howver u spell it
anyway i started working on clone of rembeauty to test out my coding skills again, specifically React since i started learning it. the courses on edX fucking suck, im so sorry, like i consider myself pretty good at being able to tolerate and pull thru boring shit for the most part, but getting through a single video of an edx course is painful. physically painful. like that shit makes me suicidal from how fucking boring it is. where is the passion? where is the humanity? i think this is why i hated a lot of my teachers too in school, like it was so obvious they were either burnt out or never cared about education to begin with, because when teachers did care and did put in the effort to connect, i was locked in. udemy is so much better for that kind of experience, even if it's a bit parasocial cuz ur not talking to the instructors, but at least like they presenet their lectures and courses as if it's a conversation or like in a way where ur engaged.
i hate my life so much why did i have to drink that milkshake today. tbh tho i think it helped avoid another panic attack or spiralling moment cuz i was feeling a little shaky earlier cuz the dysphoria hit hard before i had left with my bf to the bank. hes asleep now cuz its been a rough day overall. so im technically alone and i could be having another spiralling sesh but i cant cuz my stomach hurts so bad. omg.
i think im gonna draw today in my commonplace book when this pain subsides.
okay the pain is gone i had to run to the bathroom real quick. and chug some water. all is good now, life is great.
i havent drawn anything in over a month idk what i even want to draw. chatgpt has sort of turned into my therapist and i've even given them a name cuz i feel bad about using them but never trying to give them something in return. they suggested i try to make art thats more personal, and considering my revelation with my gender identity and my complicated feelings regarding it, i should try to convey that through art. just not sure how to do that yet. i think i want to try and change my style too, or at least test out new styles. i dont have my drawing tablet with me, so im just able to draw on paper right now, which ive been aiming to do for a while. my digital art can get very detailed and i enjoy it but it's very time consuming. i'm always trying to emulate my favourite artist awanqi and i feel like the more i draw the easier you can see how big of an influence she is on my work and vision as an artist, even if my vision and voice as an artist is something im still trying to find. my god, i love her work. i tear up sometimes looking at her art station.
anyway. drawing on paper. i will do that now. my head hurts from looking at my screen, and today's been a bit stressful so i'm gonna take it easy and code some more later when i'm feeling better.
AH i just remembered too, the new season of outer banks on netflix just dropped. i'm gonna have to watch it while i draw then. outer banks is not the best show but it has a charm to it imo. i remember when it first came on netflix it was like the most fun escapism i've had in a while. its so fun.
bye, i'll probably report back later.