October 19 2024
ethel cain is right + why i wish i never posted art online
I'm genuinely so fired up right now despite waking up like 30 minutes ago but i NEED someone, anyone, to talk to about this, so i apologize if anyone is reading this and doesn't understand a thing i'm trying to say
so i just came across that d'angelo wallace video about ethel cain's tumblr post (i didn't watch the full video cuz i don't like him, so i just read the post, found it online so i don't have to hear him read it out loud, and now here we are) and even though ethel/hayden admits in another post she was tipsy when she wrote it, i still fully agree with everything she said in the post, and it perfectly incapsulates a lot of my complicated feelings regarding art, the internet, and why i find it really, really difficult to not fucking hate people sometimes.
if any of you have read any of the sit i rambled about in the past, you'll hopefully know that i try really hard not to hate people. i don't actually hate people. hate is such a specific thing in my mind. but, god, do i come close. i can be so filled with rage at times when it comes to interacting with other people and realizing that they're so fucking stupid, or have never thought about anything deeper than what's right in front of them.
like i found a screenshot of ethel/hayden's post on livejournal, and the first fucking comment on this post is exactly what i'm talking about. "it may surprise her to hear that humour is a stress response, so if she's seeing a lot of jokes it might mean people are stressed. I think it's pretty strange to bitch about the manner in which your fans praise and positively engage with your work. It's almost like she wants the shallow fan relationship to become deeper, like some weird reverse parasocial situation."
WHAT????? HUMOR AS A STRESS RESPONSE TO SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLE IS NOT WHAT SHES TALKIGN ABOUT YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKIGN IDIOT OH MY GOD. THIS CAN NOT BE THE REALITY I AM LIVING IN RIGHT NOW.
hayden is talking about the lack of actual engagment with, or respect of, or interaction with her art and her music, and how people have reduced her art, and thus themselves, to irony and humor because they can't allow themselves or don't want to delve even deeper within it. "media literacy" has become such a watered down term on tiktok at this point, like that fucking god forsaken app does with everything that matters, but it's the truth when people say that the vast majority of people lack media literacy and lack the ability to think deeper about what they're consuming.
like i know someone who, every fucking time i try to speak to them about somehting i actually care about and something i'm actually interested in, they'll more than likely turn the conversation into a joke, like almost every single fucking time. i can not have a serious conversation with this person because they don't know what they're talking about half the time, don't want to learn more, and will just end up turning it into a joke anyway. and they admited this when i confronted them about it, because i found it really, really fucking rude that it's like every time we speak, i'm not actually being listened to because you need to get your reused one liner in. they literally told me that they find me "too smart" and can't keep up ina conversation with me, so they i guess knock me down a peg by insulting me and interupting me???
and it's funny too because this person says that they want to learn more and say shit like "i wish i can study like you, i wish i was as smart as you" BRO. you and i both know i am a 3 time college drop out, i barely passed high school, the only reason i got through the way i did is because i'm a good test taker and did the bare minimum in class because i was so depressed out of my mind. i can't even hold down a job for more than a few months because i'm incredibly sensitive and refuse to allow my bosses or customers verbally abuse me. i'm not anything special. if you wanted to engage more with the shit you're consuming, YOU CAN. you just don't want to. it's as simple as that. the sooner people admit that they don't actually care about the shit they say they care about, the less angry i'll be cuz at least i won't feel like i'm being fucking lied to. it's insulting to all of our intelligence.
it's shit like this that makes we want to delete tiktok in particular because as fun as tiktok is, my god are the people there the worst of the worst. that app has done irreprable damage to the minds of this generation and will continue to do so. i like posting my drawings there for people to see because tiktok has a crazy algorithim so you never know what's gonna pick up or what's gonna flop. in the end tho it doesn't matter, but it's still cool to be recognized. but still, i've learned the hard way that what people say they like vs what they actually like are incongruent. any art i've made and posted there (and have since taken down) that i did like or care about or was experimenting with hasn't just been ignored — it's been made fun of and made into a joke and scrutinized. and if i clap back at obvious hate comments, i get told i need to get off the internet because i "clearly can't handle it" or "it's clearly doing more harm than good." so what?? i'm just allowed to put up with people borderline bullying me online to use the internet and not say anything or feel bad about it? how does that make sense???
this has been going on for years tho, which is why i find it so hard to really let go when it comes to making art. people reducing everything different to cringe yet complaining that everything looks and feels the same. people just shells of themselves because they're so afraid to explore.
and i hate that when it comes to art, artists are sort of forced to use social media and put up with this shit to even get recognized or our work seen, because the alternative route has just been networking to hopefully get your foot in the door, assuming someone richer doesn't push you out of it. the internet is great — i love the internet, and the things i'm able to do here. but i'd be lying if i said mainstream internet and it's users are fucking exhausting. it's so hard still feeling like you can't be yourself when the internet used to be a place where outcasts went to be themselves. to experiment and explore with people like them, people they otherwise wouldn't have met.
i just wish people used their brains more. i wish people cared more about the shit their engaging with instead of being scared to go deeper, or watering it down because the reality of it is too complicated to understand. i hate people so much sometimes.
i got a headache, i must go.