October 31 2024
hopefull since i've accpeted i'm trans
about a month ago i wrote about my struggles with accepting that i'm trans, trying to differenciate between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, and so on and so fourth. coming to terms with these thoughts and feelings, and being able to even tell myself "dude, you're trans," was really anxiety inducing and emotional. even now, i still get a sense of anxiety or dread thinking about all that can go wrong with... well, everything about being trans. like my family hating me and cutting me off; friends not seeing me as a real guy; romance and job opportunities in general; worrying i'm making a mistake and it's all in my head. but, for the most part, when i'm able to catch myself from spiralling and ruminating, i'm actually pretty comfortable. it feels right. like i've found a piece to the puzzle i've been missing, even if it's not yet complete. the puzzel being my life and identity. yk how it is.
anyway, i bring this up to mention that i'm actually really optimistic for once about my place and what i want to strive for. transitioning isn't the final goal in exploring myself and identity, nor the goal of my entire life. but like i said, it's a piece of that puzzle. its like reignited some drive and passion in me that i've struggled to harnest for so, so long. i struggle with a lot of things but it can mostly be boiled down to, "i don't know what i'm doing here on earth."
there's not much i want out of life honestly. i'd like to be an artist full time, it's what i love to do. there's a reason i keep coming back to it. but my protectiveness over it and viewing it as a deeply personal thing is exactly why i can't even have art as a source of income, let alone a full time career. my passion and motivation ebbs and flows.
i also never wanted kids. i never wanted marriage. i like the idea of many things like traveling, partying, drugs, any new experience, but if i really wanted it, i would've had it by now. that's my view on things, since i've had the opportunities. i was just always too afraid, back pedaled, changed my mind too much. i can't stick to one thing for too long.
but this, figuring out i'm trans, might've honestly saved my life. i've never wanted anything more than to explore this side of me. thinking of myself as a guy it feels like i can do anything, not who i am, or who i was: this girl so deeply insecure and uncomfortable and easily embarassed to the point she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror sometimes. starving to get smaller, grooming and putting on makeup to look prettier, talking to people i thought i liked because i liked the attention it gave me, until i didnt because it felt fake, false, like it wasn't me, i was just lonely and needed someone, anyone to fill the space. i stopped faking it all once i accepted this is who i am. i've never felt so free even if nothing external has actually changed.
i've been lazer focused this past week on programming, hopefully to land a software engineering or web development job by... idk, anytime next year. the job market it crazy still, and lord knows i need all the help i can get with my shitty grades, no degree, and can't hold down a job because i hate dealing with people and customers.
i've also been working out, not as often as i would like since i'm still trying to hash out a decent schedule where i can workout and still have enough energy to code. i also need a better diet but that's easy, i'm just lazy when it comes to tracking my calories. i've slimmed down a little bit though since i cut out soda and most sugar. i just need to lose the fat in my face, cut down on the sodium since it makes me so puffy. and make sure i don't fuck up my sleep schedule. that's the most important step of all.
once i get a good job, i'm saving up as much money as i can to get the fuck out of florida. anywhere is probably better than here, but the tech industry is growing here so who knows. as long as the laws don't fucking change to where adults can't even get gender affirming care than that's fine by me i guess. i can put up with the heat as long as i have a fan in my face 24/7.
i also cut my hair, it's really choppy right now but i don't trust hairdressers. if my hair is fucked up at least it was done for free.
anyway, so yeah. i'm happy for once. i'm going to do everything i can to get what i want. it's going to suck when my prents find out but i need to do this. i can't keep living the way i was, just aimless, in this malaise, foggy in the brain. i can't do it anymore. i cam back to florida and i was so gutted because i felt so free up north being able to present male, even if i didn't pass. i hated that state more than florida, but at least i could like, be outside and not hate it.
i gotta go eat dinner. i made dinner tonight :3 hopefully we don't get food poisoning. i think i cooked everything all the wya though, i checked.
bye yall happy halloween.