September 18 2024
i can't stop reading books
i'm finally fully recovered from my cold, which i'm so happy about. arguably the most annoying part of it was the stuffy nose and not being able to breathe. the worst thing ever. at least i didn't get a bad fever or felt all that miserable to the point i couldn't do much. though it's not like there was much to enjoy about the vacation to the beach anyway. i'm def gonna have to write a new astrology page regarding astrocartography and comparing my first and most recent experiences at this specific beach.
anyway, my bf's vacation days are up so he's back to work, and now that i have some more alone time i'm catching up on some reading and pondering. i don't talk openly about my belief systems or my craft considering i'm a novice and my beliefs are still forming and solidifying the more i research and experiment. but i've set my eyes on greco-roman and greco-egyptian ancient magic and religion as it interests me the most as a Hermes devotee.
(i'm not officially a devotee but he's the deity i feel called to the most. i really miss his altar back at my house. i got really shy in the last week i was home and didn't do my best to leave any offerings or ask for any guidance, but all of my food offerings have been rotting and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. maybe it's the altar placement, and the fact i live in a fairly humid climate.)
i have a ton of books digitally thanks to the help of internet archive and the fellow internet pirates. i try to support people when i can since i resepct the authors and editors of these books a lot, but god damn occult books are soo fucking expensive sometimes. one i was looking at about healing and protective gemstones in the greco-roman world was going for like 200 euros. insane.
but i still like to make my money count when i can. one person i adore is someone named chthoniclesbian on tiktok and instagram, aka Thorn Blackbird. they're an awesome person and incredibly knowledgable in ancient history and sorcery. i would love to one day sub to their patreon, but i give them a couple of dollars sometimes for tarot readings, and for individual patreon posts that they have available for individual purchase. you can check out their patreon here if you want to check them out!
right now i've been chipping through my beloved book right now, Drawing Down The Moon: Magic in the Ancient Greco-Roman World by Radcliffe G. Edmonds III and Arcanum Mudi: Magic and the Occult in the Greek and Roman Worlds.
tbh if you asked me what i'm really looking for in these books, i'm not really sure. i do occasionally perform some protection magic, but i'm so shy generally to perform any kind of spells since i know for a fact that my mental health issues do stand in the way of obtaining real power. i'm also not a very vindictive person, even when i want to be since i'm so sick of letting people walk all over me, but i don't have any real desire to hex and/or curse people. i did make some vampyric spells but it requires some maintenence which i can't upkeep since i'm not home right now, and i don't think i did it right anyway because i'm a novice and of said mental health issues.
it's good to know my sweetener and love spell worked though. my bf has been so affectionate toward me, more than usual to the point it's almost overwhelming or annoying sometimes but i'm not complaining. lack of affection and physical touch was one of the things i disliked, so i'm glad something worked and he also actually listens to my needs for once.
i'm also toying with the idea of hexing or cursing his upstairs neighbors. part of it feels futile since he's moving in a month, but i feel like their poor dogs deserve some justice from the abuse and negelct they inflict on those animals. but nothing is set in stone yet. i still have more research to do to plan out my method and approach to said curse. or maybe they need a sweetening spell as well. ease up whatever tension they're dealing with.
also considering a weight-loss spell too. i gained so much weight and it's been hard to lose since i keep stress eating and snacking when im drawing and studying. the brain needs a lot of protein when doing a lot of problem solving, which explains why i get soo fucking hungry when i'm programming and can't figure it out.
that reminds me, i also need to keep up with my programming projects. ughh
i'm always switching back and fourth with what i want to do with my life. art or programming. i know which one is the most financially sound, but i'm such a little pretentious artist at heart, like when i'm really into it i can't stop and it's all i want to do... i hate having to make a choice. i know i can have two careers but neither seem to be going anywhere. art doesn't go anywhere because i slack off lowk too much, and i think it isn't that great or creative despite my technical skill. i also think my perfectionism gets in the way a lot, and i need to not rely on digital mediums as much.
programming doesn't go anywhere because i get so burnt out from it, especially when things aren't going my way. too much mental problem solving. screen hurts my eyes after a while. i can only really look at my phone tbh without getting a massive headache. also the competitiveness of the tech industry and the fact i have no job experience or a degree cuz my parents fucked me up on those two fronts. my life feels so fucking stagnant and i wish i could just break through it.
anyway, i'm gonna go bakc ot reading. here are some of my random, messy notes from my commonplace book. most of these notes are about this essay.
