September 2 2024

programming & lamenting

i stayed up really late last night playing video games with my friends, almost until sunrise before we all got super hungry and decided to clock out. im so groggy today but i'm still trying to get up off my ass today and build some projects AND finally deploy it so it's actually able to be viewed and used.

i don't think i'll ever make it as an arist long term. i flip flop so much between what i desire. i'm so contradictory and even i hate it. i think it's my best and worst trait. i like art but i don't think mine is special outside of technical skill. i wish i were more creative. i like how it connects me with other people, especially if i make art for people, which is rare. like more rare than seeing an eclipse or a shooting star. but as much as i like it i know i don't have the stamina or mental bandwidth to pursue it as a career. i'm terrible at advocating for myself and promoting my shit. idk. maybe i'm just in a mood today.

im so sleepy. i think i might go back to bed after a while. i need to keep my sleep schedule stable enough before i leave thursday. i'm not really looking forward to it anymore. i feel like i shouldn't go but my flight's already paid for and i don't wanna disappoint anyone by canceling last minute. i think i'll just come back home after the first two weeks instead of staying over for another month like i did earlier this year. i just wanna stay in my room and in my bed.

yeah i think i'll go to bed now. i hope i don't have to get up to do any chores.