September 6 2024

settling in + i'm in denial about being trans pt. 2

i arrived yesterday to my situationship/soul mate's apartment. typical me, now that i'm here, i'm content for the most part, aside from the headache i get when i look at screens for too long. i think the hermit life is getting to me finally. i've been enjoying the black ops 6 beta on his xbox since he has game pass ultimate, but i can't look at it for long before getting a headache. the tension in my jaw doesn't help either. i thought we were going to the beach today, but he said we leave monday. im still kinda put off by going, considering my body image issues, and my aversion to traveling. we're gonna be in the car for like 5 hours, and i experience motion sickness quite often, mostly in cars. i gotta set a reminder to eat before we leave. i have a bad habit of not eating when im traveling, since the anxiety/excitement makes it hard to eat.

i also got a giant journal at 5 below that i'll be using as my physical commonplace book, along with these adorable scented highlighters that have teddy bears for caps. i got another book today, too. Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert Sapolsky. i've heard about Robert Sapolsky and have engaged with his content very briefly, like the interviews and lectures that are online right now. he seems like such a cool dude. he seems mostly well known online right now because of his book Determined, where he talks about the biology of free will and why we don't have it. i still don't what i think about the whole free will vs determinism debate, and i don't think we'll ever get a conclusive answer.

i did also watch a clip online that was taken from his lecture of the neurobiology of transexualism - it's so facinating, the studies he talked about. it also made me think about my own brain, and if certain parts of my brain would be bigger or smaller depending on if it's a "male brain" or "female brain", like if there's a neurobiological basis as to why i feel the way i do (regardless of my suspicions of me having a personality disorder. (god i need money for therapy.))

it also made me think about this on-going document i have on my phone that i occasionally write in about things like my dysphoria, thoughts about my supposed transness, and other relating info i find online that i found interesting. i actually wasn't going to share this, but i think writing about this right now might help me make one step closer to a breakthrough regarding my feelings and if socially and/or medically transitioning is the right decision for me.

i keep thinking about it. it's not something that's like obsessive. i know what obsessive thoughts feel like, and it's a suffocating kind of feeling, like i can't get my brain to just shut up for five fucking seconds without feeling like i'm going to hurt myself again. meditation helps sometimes, but it's usually around like the 20 to 30 minute mark that i'm able to bring myself to a stable baseline. i don't wanna have to meditate for like half an hour every time i have an obsessive thought. but that's beside the point.

my transness and whether or not i should transion feels like a gradual journey for once. like i said, it's still something really new to me, and i have a lot of complicated emotions behind it ranging from euphoria - like when i feel the most comfortable and masculine and i can look in the mirror and be okay with what i see for once - to absolute dread when i begin to worry about, well, everything. like what if i'm faking it? what if it's not the right decision to transition or even claim im trans? will i be okay with my decision in the future, whichever decision i make? will i regret anything? etc etc etc ...

that's why i keep this document on my phone. when i was in therapy for said personality disorder (which was like 3 years ago atp wow) she told me writing seems to be very therapudic and cathartic for me. which it is. like i said, my mind can obsess over things to the point where i feel the need to literally relapse back into self harm, but writing is also one of those things that can help sometimes, at the right time. i think that's why i find writing my fan fics to be the most fun creative projects i can do, even more so than painting. painting can be very, idk, stressful, when my perfectionism kicks in. i don't feel that way with writing.

anyway, enough yapping. here are some things i wrote down in my document. i categorized them in terms of dysphoria along with a arbitrary ranking system, other signs, and some breif notes on things i found. however i'll only be sharing the first two categories since i need to organize my notes more.

i'm also not going to edit any of this shit either, so you're getting the raw contents of my brain. (save for typos.)

Dysphoria

Height: 8/10 the bane of my existence. i like being petite but i abhore my height. no one ever takes me seriously and this has a part to play in it. everyone towers over me and i feel like energetically, my core doesn't reflect my height. my personality is bold and abrasive even when i don't mean to be, even when i try to become more agreeable. proportions are weird because of my height, mainly my torso.
Chest: 5/10 or 6/10 i've never enjoyed showing my brests unless it's during an intimate time. i hate the way they look, i hate the way they sit on my chest. i hate how awkward they look and how they sag. it makes me look 30lbs heavier than i actually am, and it feels like no matter how much weight i'll losem they'll stay the same size. they don't look nice. the only plus is that they're small enough for me to not mind going without a bra (even if i do need one) and i can lie on my stomach when i sleep. it's my favourite sleeping position, and i vividly remember being annoyed by my breasts during puberty because i couldn't comfortably on my stomach like i used to without readjustment.
Voice: 4/10 used to be mocked a lot for how mousey my voice is. i'm never taken seriously because of it too. i like singing a lot and don't mind talking or singing at a higher register but i still wish it was deeper and lower.
Bottom: 2/10 i still wish i had a dick but i enjoy being penetrated. i imagine i have a dick a lot of the time. i don't really mind having a vagina, only until it starts causing some issues. like bartholin gland cysts, other kinds of heat bumps, weird discharge. it's always something wrong with it, but i usually don't mind, don't care about it. my menstrual cycles are irregular so i don't menstrate as often as other women. big plus for me, unless i'm having another panic attack about being pregnant (even when i've taken all the precausions like condoms and morning after pill just in case) then i'm begging for a period to indicate to me i'm not pregnant. pregnancy is terrifying to me, so much so i've considered becoming celibate and getting my tubes removed just to avoid it all together.
Hand/Feet Size: 1/10 i enjoy being petite and slightly feminine. my hands are already kinf of boney and thin which i enjoy. they're a good balance between masc and fem. i don't mind them at all.
Face: 5/10 I think i'm relatively attractive. i wish my nose was longer though so that i can look more masculine or androgynous at the very least.
Existential Dysphoria: 10/10 there's nothing i miss or particularly enjoyed about girlhood. i did what i wanted outside of gender expectations, until puberty hit and suddenly i couldn't do certain things anymore, even when i tried. it was like pulling teeth just to remain myself when the world started seeing me distinctly female and restricting what i could do and be, mostly out of fear of men taking advantage of me. boys are allowed to be kids for a lot longer than girls. boys are allowed more freedom to explore and express. boy friendships seem much more special than girl ones. i never got along with girls anyway, not unless they're queer (maybe that's the problem too i just hate straight people and they hate me) i often mourn and grieve who i could've been if i were born male and how much i could've grown and flourished. i mourn being loved as a man because i feel unloveable as a woman. it's a distinct feeling i can't fully express.
Social: 7/10 i generally don't mind being called she/her or being percieved female or feminine, because all of my IRL social interactions are short lived and i spend most of my time indoors. unless i'm around men or boys. because i often envy them. i want to be just like them instead of being someone they ignore or seen as someone they can fuck. people also don't take me seriously either as a female. men are naturally listened to more and respected more.

Other Signs

grew up a tomboy, never enjoyed tradtionally girly or feminine things up until recently in my life. like 17+. i've always liked makeup because i liked art and i viewed it as another medium of self expression. i like being attractive and being seen as attractive, so makeup certainly helps, but i don't feel like i need it or am drawn to it as often as other women typically are. i liked my clothes growing up to be straight cut, even as a kid. i hated anything that was form fitting, showed my curves and breasts.
puberty wasn't traumatic for me. like at all. i hated my chest because once i started developing, clothes didn't fit well and i would notice how people would stare at my breatss if i were to wear form fitting clothes or clothes that used to fit me suddenly became too small. growing up with a muslim mom, she taught me modesty, and sometimes i found it to be frustratung because i sometimes wanted to, or felt like i needed to, show more skin like the other girls to be seen as attractive and desirable, but she never let me. maybe this was a good thing in the long run. i think for a while i felt a lot of shame about my body and blamed it on her, or on modesty, because i was never allowed to just be myself without the constant reminder that i needed to cover up or else i'd attract the wrong attention. i think i still feel that way, but it's mostly self-induced shame and social anxiety ATP rather than shame over my body. i would greatly prefer a flatter chest though. i hate the curves and hate how everything feels like it's protruding. weight gain makes this feeling worse because boobs sag, and mine are pretty big for my frame already despite them being small on average.
i daydream about being male. i daydream about having a dick. i relate more to male characters and find female characters to be either a nuisance or boring (maybe this has to do with poor writing and representation. but i digress.) most of my own characters are male and i vicariously live through them. they experience everything i would love to experience but never get to.
i mourn being male and growing up male. in fact, i mourned this so much, it took me nearly 3 years to somewhat come to terms with the fact that i might be trans, and i'm clearly still struggling to fully accept this to this day.
i'm constantly questioning and in denial about it. and i worry that maybe it is a symptom of a larger issue. what if i don't know who i actually am? what if it's all in my head?

Reflections

as i've read over my lists above, as well as the first journal entry i wrote regarding my possible denial, i think i've realized a couple of things that both concern me and relieve me of anxeity.

some of the things that concern me:

talking about childhood experiences and the discomfort of the expecations of girls and women. maybe its the way i word it, but why do i feel like i sound like that example of radfems that use of FTM trans people who are just transitioning to "escape the patriarchy"? (even though transness comes with it's whole set of baggage that would make me get treated worse if i were to transition and be visibly trans.) i do hate the patriarchy. i hate how women are treated, and there are time i embrace the fact that i am one biologically, because i can't escape my biology. i wish for a world better for women because we, they, deserve it. but i don't think i hate it that much to the point i'm willing to lose my entire life as i know it just to escape it. besides i'm short as fuck, i'm also a POC. the cards really aren't in my favour lol. and i've felt this way, meaning uncomfortable with my body in terms of sex/gender i think my entire life? i can't remember much, but i remember enjoying when people mistook me for a boy, and enjoyed being sort of a boy when i would interact with other kids. it felt way more natural. all the feminine things i do feel like a performance because it's what's expected out of me.

some things that relieve my anxiety:

when i'm, of course, debriefing with my fellow trans friends, they share more or less the same experiences that i do, with varying degrees of severity. like i didn't find puberty to be traumatic, but i know some people do. but it seems to be similar to other people i know and have seen. especially the existential part. i can't see myself being in love as a woman, but i for sure can see it if i were a man. it feels right. it's why, when i was still in my mourning period like 2 years ago, i found it strange that i called myself aromantic yet still wrote about romance a lot of the time. but i was writing it from a male perspective, loving another man. i don't even like sex that much either, or writing it. i think there's something deeply profound about romantic feelings with no sexual prioritization, as well as and platonic feelings. i feel like i can feel all of those things if i were just a guy. being a woman feels so disconnected to who i am, but i think i just seem more or less okay with the fact that it's what i am because, for one, it's objectively true and i've lived most of my life so far as a woman and believing i am one, and for two, i'm generally indifferent to most things in my life. like, it is what it is. most things i can't change, so i don't imagine better for myself. it's that complacency i was talking about in my other journal entry. many things are our of my control. i adapt well to situations for the most part. i try not to tempt myself with the notion i could have it better than it is, because when i allow myself to dream for more, it extremely painful. i become resentful. however, i don't feel resentful when i think of myself as a guy. i don't feel any pain, outside of the fact that i didn't grow up one. it feels neverwracking and sometimes dreadful, but only when i take in the rest of the world into the picture and how they won't accept me, but rather hate me. when it's just me, i am happy.