mar. 4th, '24 — removed dream journal and tech page due to inactive use. considering remodeling the site again for more simplicity.

feb. 11, '24 — finally wrote something for my writing page [gasp]. updated music obsession.

feb. 10, '24 — new art added to the digital art page. new journal entries. created the dream journal page.

feb. 9, '24 — new journal entry. created the 'tech' page, which i may or may not keep up.

feb. 7, '24 — new journal entry. updated writing page.

feb. 5, '24 — new journal entry. updated the art page and astrology page.

feb. 3, '24 — added a disclaimer for the bookshelf page and credit for the lace borders cuz i forgot.

feb. 2, '24 — bookshelf page created. new astrology entry. updated current music obsession. small tweaks on other pages.

jan. 28, '24 — new journal entry.

jan. 27, '24 — updated the shrine page, which is still a WIP. new journal entry.

jan. 26, '24 — created the astrology page.

jan. 25, '24 — updated the music page and the about page.

jan. 24, '24 — added a music page that got a bit verbose. 🗿 i ain't taking it down tho. oh, and new journal entry, fixed the 'before you enter' page, and added mobile adaptability.

jan. 22, '24 — version 2.0 launched. super happy for what i did, took the whole weekend to build it.

thank you to Simon @ Solaria for the lace borders and tutorial.

current music obsession

last edited: february 4th, 2024

my favourite albums

The Dark Pool by Thornhill

Alien by Northlane

Feel Something by Movements
Post-Hardcore, Emo

Hyperview by Title Fight
Shoegaze, Dreampop

I Let It In and It Took Everything by Loathe

Winks & Kisses by Airiel (Compilation EP)
Shoegaze, Dreampop, Experimental Rock

The Alchemy Index Vols. I & II by Thrice
Post-Hardcore, Ambient Electronic

The Alchemy Index Vols. III & IV by Thrice
Atmospheric Rock, Folk, Americana

Vheissu by Thrice
Post-Hardcore, Experimental

Sempiternal by Bring Me The Horizon
Metalcore, Post-Hardcore

Misadventures by Pierce The Veil
Post-Hardcore, Emo

A Flair For The Dramatic by Pierce The Veil
Emo, Post-Hardcore

Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park
Nu Metal, Rap Metal

Meteora by Linkin Park
Nu Metal, Rap Metal

FOUR by One Direction
Pop, Pop Rock

Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande
Pop, R&B

Sweetener by Ariana Grande
Pop, R&B, Trap

Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande
Pop, R&B, Trap

Merveilles by MALICE MIZER
Art Rock, Synthpop

Voyage ~Sans Retour~ by MALICE MIZER
Art Rock, Synthpop

here are my playlists. sorry in advance if you don't use spotify.

dazecore: a hint of nostalgia for memories you may not even have.
mostly shoegaze and dreampop with a hint of midwest emo, instrumental, and post-hardcore.
i know the name is cringe cuz of the "-core" suffix but i didn't know what else to call it in 2020, and it's my most popular playlist so it feels too late to change the name lol.

i also have a youtube playlist version of it since i used to find most of my music while falling down youtube rabbit holes before getting spotify premium with my student discount. college is useful afterall :D

I3Q: everything's watercoloured blue
star-crossed lovers.

me FR FR pt.2
AKA the "my soul" playlist. basically a very short collection of some of my favourite songs.

1D favourites: for when im feeling nostalgic
one direction will always hold a place in my heart. they're the only boyband i love and will ever love. even if i don't listen to them as much anymore, they played such a big role in my pre-teen to early teenage years. revisting them from time to time is incredibly healing. no other band makes me as happy as one direction when it comes on. the night changes (afterhrs remix) is my all time favourite song and it was my top song of the year on spotify for like 5 years straight. (and, yes, i'm still slightly hung up that Zayn left the band on my birthday. very interesting 14th birthday.)

favourites: absolute favs
self-explainatory. an absolute mess of a playlist.

chlorine: 1996
playlist for a short story of my ocs that i abandoned. 90s AU. every song is pre-1996. mostly alternative rock with a it of dreampop, shoegaze, and punk.

sleep deprivation: the duality of a metalhead
my secret rap/trap playlist. no one i know listens to rap, aside from my dad, but he's an oldhead and doesn't like that kind of rap. i keep it a secret for the most part cuz alt.rock/metal is my bread and butter. everyone i know would find it very strange if they knew i enjoyed trap music in the same way they found it strange that i also enjoy folk music. LOL.

a mostly edm/experimental playlist. also for a story i was writing that i scrapped that was heavily inspired by the book escapology by ren warom.

pure nostalgia
bubblegum pop and edm with a hint of alt.rock and rhythm 'n' blues. all the songs i enjoyed in my youth.

dedicated to isaac.
playlist for my oc, isaac. this playlist feels the most like like spring, specifically any song made by horse jumper of love. late march into may. it smells like lotus and patchouli incense. everything is good.

dedicated to quinn.
playlist for my oc, quinn. this playlist feels like the descent into winter. it feels like the dizziness from blacklights. everything is fun, until it isn't anymore.

some of my favourite obscure, weird, or otherwise underrated music finds online

haze is a side project that jamie rhoden of title fight fame was a part of. cool find.

more jamie rhoden side project stuff.

even MORE jamie rhoden side project stuff. this isn't a title fight acoustic ep as the title suggests. it's separate from title fight.

i'd like to think that, in another life, i would've been a musician or a singer. music has been one of my first loves in this world to the point that i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have music at all. even restricting myself to only listening to music from time to time seems like an impossible task. i listen to music daily, for hours and hours on end, normally in the background, like i have a perpetual soundtrack to my life. but a lot of that time, too, is eaten up by actively listening to music and really feeling it. music affects me on so many levels — mentally, emotionally, physically. if i'm having a hard or stressful day, simply listening to a few minutes of some of my favourite songs can reset me almost instantly. music is some of the closest things we have to actual magic if you think about it. music is energy and it's so important to us as human beings. i truly don't understand the people i've met who say they don't listen to music, don't care, or even hate it. that concept is so alien to me.

i've grown up loving all kinds of music. my mom introduced me to nu-metal at an early age. she had a ton of CDs. Linkin Park is one of the stand out bands of my very early youth, almost like i came out the womb listening to them. my mom also loved EDM, specifically trance, techno, and my personal favourite, euro-dance. i, still to this day, fucking adore the late 90s ‐ early 2000s european dance music scene. my mom also taught me how to use a computer and we'd browse the early internet together, listening to music. sometimes she'd play Jefferson Airplane when she cleaned, which was usually late at night, so i'd wake up from my naps in an auditory psychedelic haze, and see their trippy White Rabbit music video undulating on the old computer monitor upon her desk.

despite not being very connected to my heritage, there is something very nostalgic about listening to old salsa music (and disco from time to time.) before i moved in with my step-dad, i lived with my maternal grandmother, my aunt, and my younger cousin. my grandmother took care of us when our mother's were out working. she'd blast salsa when she cleaned, when she cooked, when we had guests over randomly. unfortunately, i don't remember any songs or any artists she specifically listens to. i could ask her, but it'd be an awkward conversation given my very... complicated history regarding my relationship to my heritage (or lack there of.)

however, i was still a relatively casual music listener. of course i was, i was a child. things didn't really shift until shit hit the fan: middle school. pre-teen angst and drama galore. middle school was fucking awful. my school experience as a whole has been a shit show, but middle school specifically was when things went down hill. the drama with first-time cattiness from girls that had it out for me, the awkwardness of puberty, physically fighing with boys, and the beginning stages of my self-esteem crumbling when comparing myself to other girls that seemed to have it all: a plethora of friends, the coolest clothes, and, of course, they were pretty. they were so much prettier than me. me with my gigantic hipster glasses, a gap-tooth that i relentlessly tried to force close with many household objects, dandruff from having an abnormally dry scalp. not to mention i was shorter than everyone despite being the oldest in all of my classes. by that time, my only best friend moved away to virginia, and i knew bascially no one. it was no surprise that, when i did find my own friendgroup finally, they were all as socially awkward and angsty as me. they introduced me to a whole new world of rock that i never knew before. Pierce The Veil had just released their album Collide With The Sky around that time and they instantly grew into my favourite band. (alongside One Direction, who i will love forever and always. the only boy band i ever adored.)

Pierce The Veil became the gateway band into the post-hardcore scene. but, i'm incredibly selective with what i really enjoy, so i really only stuck with these major three: Pierce The Veil, Bring Me The Horizon and Sleeping With Sirens. they were all i listened to. music became a form of escapism during middle school, especially after the whirlwind that was 8th grade: eviction. moving away from the only friendgroup i had. transfering to a new school that was even more overcrowded and underfunded than the last school i attended. bullying. if i wasn't self-destructing to find solace within this chaos, music was there for me. their lyrics of angst and hurt and loneliness felt validating during a time when i had no one that truly understood what i was going through.

before i moved away again, i had the chance to visit my only friendgroup for my 16th birthday. my best friend at the time, L, gifted me PTV's latest album at that time, Misadventures. inside, she had put some old drawings she'd done of our friendgroup and notes that i still can't look at without bursting into tears. it's one of my favourite gifts. the album itself meant so much to me when i first listened to it, and it'll always hold a special place in my heart because of L.

i miss the height of bedroom pop.

i think this is around the time that music became something more for me than just a casual thing to listen to. bedroom/indie/lo-fi pop had this energy to it that was so soft yet hopeful and colourful, even if the lyrics were about sadness or heartbreak. i think this is because i started listening to it at a time that i thought i would finally be at the tailend of the chaos that was moving across the country and forced to live in an environment that clearly rejected me. the people, the weather, the area. it's hard to explain, but it wasn't welcoming. yet, i still felt hopeful.

im an incredibly nostalgic person. i love daydreaming, and i think after the shit that was 2014-2018, it became a crutch. a coping mechanism. i was stuck in a room 24/7, at the beginning stages of my hikikomori phase that's currently been an on-and-off thing for the past 7 years. i had nothing but time. music was an escape in a different way. i could create whole scenarios in my head that were so much more favourable than my reality if i had the right instrumentals and tone and lyrics and voice to listen to.

bedroom/indie/lo-fi pop feels like summer to me. melancholic yet hopeful, a bit romantic, too. i wish the sun still felt the same.

✶✶ if you have spotify, here is my playlist of all the (mostly) bedroom pop songs i remembered enjoying around that time. it's nice to see some of the bands grew more in popularity, namely The Walters. i remember so vividly when they announced online they were breaking up because the lead singer was leaving right after they had performed at lalapalooza, then he started his own side project and changed his stage name like three times until I Love You So blew up on tiktok and the band got back together. LOLZ.

also, here is a playthrough of one of my favourite songs during this time, too. it's gorgeous. 2:03 is my favourite part.

Movements' debut album Feel Something is one of the cornerstones of my general music taste today. it's still post-hardcore but, in my opinion, has a much more mature sound compared to Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens. maybe that's just a personal bias since i'm nearly 23 years old i've been listening to those bands since middle school, but Movements just feels more mature. they introduced me to spoken word poetry in music, something i never considered or thought of before, and Patrick Miranda's lyrics touch on similar themes of melancholy and loss and loneliness but with such light feet that it doesn't ever come across as melodramatic. and their most popular song, Daylily has such a bitersweet sense of optimism that i've never heard in the particular way they did it. like it doesn't come across as preachy or pandering or like it's trying to convince you that things are hard and will get better. it's like it makes you feel it for yourself.

god, just watch this video and you can feel the energy radiating off the screen. so good.

this entire performance is amazing, but daylily at the end is just *chef's kiss*

Movements was another gateway band for me. Will Yip produced this masterpiece of an album, and once the spotify and youtube algorhithms saw me replay it over and over again, i got reccommended bands in a simialr vein to Movements, some bands who were also in collaboration with Will Yip. seriously, this guy has helped make some of the best post-hardcore/emo/shoegaze albums of the past decade.

some of my favourite Will Yip projects are ones like the 2013 album Youth by Citizen, which holds some of the band's most popular tracks like How Does It Feel? and The Night I Drove Alone. then there's the 2015 album Peripheral Vision by Turnover, which leans more into the soft and psychedelic haze of dreampop than it does into post-hardcore. then we have the shoegaze icons like the band Nothing with their 2016 album Tired of Tomorrow, and later their 2020 album The Great Dismal, which is my personal favourite. Whirr is another shoegaze band i love. their 2014 split EP, Split with Nothing is a classic in my eyes.

i could keep going on about other Will Yip projects and bands he's collaborated with. Superheaven, Saosin, Circa Survive, Gleemer, Balance and Composure, Heart to Gold, which is a band i found out about recently and instantly fell in love with. however, my adoration for those bands doesn't come close to the level of adoration i have for one particular band: Title Fight.

i found Title Fight when scrolling on youtube. their 2012 song Head In The Ceiling Fan had been reccommended to me and, out of curiosity, i clicked it. the rest is history. i streamed every single album more times than i can count. their 2012 album Floral Green is an obvious classic in the hardcore scene, but my personal favourite album is Hyperview. i can understand why it wasn't, and still isn't, very popular with fans. this album marked their significant genre divergence from the punk/post-hardcore stuff everyone was used to, and they took a lot of inspiration from their shoegaze peers on this record. it's notably slower in tempo and their lyrics are much more abstract, similar to Head In The Ceiling Fan, which i would argue was their first experimentation in the shoegaze genre. HITCF sticks out from the rest of the tracks on Floral Green for this reason, and i love it.

unfortunately, i found them about 3 years too late. Hyperview, which came out in 2015, was the last project they put out, and after that they sporadically performed at shows up until 2018 when they decided to go on an indefinite hiatus. i doubt i would've been able to see them live anyway. i mean, Movements was performing in my city around the time i turned 18, but my parents were unsupportive of me doing anything alone, and i had no friends. i didn't gain any real autonomy until i turned 21, and by then, i was moderately content with my fate so far and willing to overlook the damage strict parenting, homeschooling, and depression had done to my social life. i won't get to see the bands i love live in concert any time soon.

anyway, i adore Hyperview. i love the lyrics especially and how poetic and philosophical they are. for example, one of my favourite tracks on the record, Rose of Sharon, a song that, in my opinion, is about the malaise of existence and the distortion that you can feel at times when things are both changing yet not changing. you can move around a hundred times in a year, meet a hundred new people, climb the corporate ladder, live in a van. all this change, yet it feels pointless, meaningless. careless change because it comes from a lack of introspection.

here's a stripped down version of the song that i love as well. Ned talks more about his meaning of the song in the beginning.

another favourite off the same record is Liar's Love. it's incredibly cathartic. i interpreted it being about the pain you feel during social rejection, and the alienation you feel when you aren't being seen. but it's hinted to be a repeating cycle, because the singer is withdrawing from any help or compassion they are offered. the help and compassion they need but it's been deprived of them so long that help feels false. and, in a way, they're not entirely wrong, becuase from past experiences, when they've opened up, shared their trauma and hardships, no one can understand. no one can accept it. no one actually cares.

lessons learned: no one's concern lends itself to wounds that won't repair with time.

the music i mainly listen to consistently today is the kind of music that makes me feel how bedroom pop made me feel. hopeful, optimistic, like im in a daydream i never want to get out of. lately, music has a strong correlation with the seasons and the sensations that it both brings to me, and the sensations i was already feeling. i love music that feels like the sun. shoegaze is one is lean to the most for this. something about the distorted guitars and the vocals drowned in delay and reverb makes me feel like you're in that liminal space between reality and sleep, but you're lying in a bed of grass and the air is mineralized with a rain shower that has yet to come.

my "dazecore" playlist feels like this for the most part. i started the playlist with another particular feeling, the one where you've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise, but there's still a tinge of sadness and fatigue and you know things aren't getting better any time soon. it's a similar drifting feeling but you're lost in it with no way out. like a dampened sadness. but as i started adding more songs in 2022, i think the more optimistic the songs i chose sounded both lyrically and sonically. i think the more i opened myself up, too, to the romantic side of me, after going years of thinking i am incapable of feeling true romantic feelings, the more the songs became romantic in sound. they all feel like falling in love. or what i think falling in love feels like.

it's helped a lot while writing romance, too. i'm a sucker for angst in the stuff i write and in the fan fics i read, but when i want my characters to feel good, i want it to feel like the way the music i chose makes me feel. broad and airy and bright, almost innocent. the best way i can put it is the way i felt when i watched Call Me By Your Name for the first time and i would listen to the soundtrack over and over and over again. Sufjan Stevens's song Mystery of Love is one song that never fails to put me in that mood. its so abstract, almost metaphysical, so it's hard to describe. it can only be felt, i think.